A Cancer Survivors Journey

So where do I start ?

I have wanted to get this mess out my head and down on paper for so long but I don’t think I was ready to let go.

Or confident in my writing skills .

So here we are 4 years later…..

Taking a much needed holiday in Lanzarote to calm my mind and find ME again .

Walking with my headphones on and the Eminem song Stan comes on .

Singing along as you do and the last part when Stan drives to the bridge and says oh shit I forgot how am I supposed to send this shit out.

How am I supposed to help anyone else if I don’t send this shit out or never get the chance to write it again . Especially my mistakes which will make your journey that little bit easier. I can promise you that ! 👊🏼

What did my fight do to me?

It broke me mentally so many times when I was alone in my room in they dark hours trying to win the fight .

Actually winning the fight but that came at a cost.

Doesn’t everything in this life .😘🤫

This all started in the summer of (yip I sang 69 there too 🤣🤦🏻) 2017.

I started to feel a bit burnt out and getting kidney pain , night sweats , fatigue and starving all the time .

A few lymph nodes started to swell over time too.

My neck being the most obvious to touch .

I know my own body very well . I live a relatively healthy lifestyle.

I have boxed & kick-boxed amateur & pro level and been around a gym for 30 years in some aspect.

Plus I have a physical job as a roofer .

Burn out is not uncommon with this type of lifestyle but something wasn’t sitting right with me .

I had contacted the doctors a number of times the last few weeks and getting nowhere.

They actually lost my celiac’s test before it was submitted to the lab .

This bullshit was going on for 3 months and my energy was at an all time low.

Was I depressed?

Was I ill?

Was I burnt out ?

I needed answers!

I was working on a roof in Arbroath so from my home in Dunfermline it was around 1 hour 20 minutes with the traffic.

By the time I drove that I was knackered .

Got myself a breakfast in Asda then forced out a shift before the drive home.

I started to pop painkillers to help with the internal pain now too.

I really don’t like medication so this was a massive deal for me .

On the morning of 2nd of October 2017 I woke up in agony around 4am .

I could hardly walk with the kidney pain .

I told my partner Laura to stay with the kids and I would get my Mum to take me to Hospital.

Arriving at hospital they were pretty good actually. Got the pain under control and sent in multiple doctors over what felt like hours.

I had to go for scans .

No one was telling me anything.

I was scared & anxious inside but I’m a 6ft tank of a laddie so had to be strong .💪🏽 🙄

After all the scans of multiple areas I got sent to a private room .

A doctor came to see me in the morning.

He instantly tried to comfort me and talk more story like but I’m a straight shooter and zero time for bullshit so asked him to respect that and hit me straight with the results.

Ok he said - I think you have Cancer but it looks like lymphoma so if it helps any that’s the best 1 to have as it has the highest survival rate.

My head just went WAIT SURVIVAL!

How fucking bad is this ?

I went home that day in a daze I had no idea what was going on.

I had a young Daughter , 2 step sons and a Mrs at home .

As soon as I seen Laura I burst into tears.

She knew it was bad as we were at the 10 year mark and I’m not an emotional person at all.

So this was probably the first time she had seen me upset.

Laura cuddled me and said whatever it is we will deal with it . Okay?

Okay I replied .

I dusted myself down and tried to get a game plan in my head.

My next appointment was around 3 weeks away which was to take out a swollen lymph node from my neck & test it.

This operation was pretty straightforward.

A few days later I had another consultation.

I went alone as I prefer it that way .

I remember the nurse calling me and touching my shoulder as she followed me into the room.

I seen the doctor at his desk with my notes .

Written in pen at the top ‘Hodgkin’s lymphoma’ so I knew!

Pretty unprofessional really but I’m a nosey bastard with good eyesight. 🤣🤦🏻

He tried to talk to me and ask if I had people with me . I rudely explained I’m fine and just tell me straight please .

The nurse sitting on my right tried again to touch my shoulder. I looked at her and said I don’t need comfort. I’m ready for this , it’s ok.

Just tell me ?

Ok it’s confirmed Hodgkin’s lymphoma.

Thanks Doctor . What’s next ?

I needed more scans and a pet scan.

A pet scan is where liquid gets injected into you and sticks to all the cancer cells so you can get a grade put to the cancer.

Pet scan was in Edinburgh and again I went alone. 🙄

Still shutting people out of my life. I could ask at least 10 people and they would have my back but I am a fucking muppet and do things on my own so I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings or try to hold my shit together if they get upset in front of me.

I had started isolating myself in life now .

I don’t know if I was trying to withdraw so people got used to me not being around but it was mentally challenging.

Google is an absolute nightmare but I won’t tell you not to do it.🤣🤦🏻

The scan was in a chamber type ward.

You got injected in a wee room(Scottish for very small😘) and had to be isolated for an hour as you are radioactive 😳.

Finally the scan. Pretty easy. Sort of an mri machine you lay on a table and it takes you in.

Done - simple.💪🏽

A week or 2 for results 😳

This part I can’t make better for you unfortunately.

The 2-3 months wait from start of scans to final diagnosis & chemotherapy plan is a fucking nightmare and will break your heart 10 times a day if you sit still let they doubts creep in.

My next appointment was with the blood specialist at Kirkcaldy.

I was told to take someone with me as it’s always a lot to take in and you will miss some information.

I asked Laura. She is always organised with note pads and stuff. 🤣

Nothing will get past that lassie .

This must be the very end of November now.

I had met the doctor briefly before but that’s a bit of a fuzzy memory now.

Very nice woman and my initial chat she suggested stage 2 which was nice in my head.

I could beat that easily. That’s the fighter in me 💪🏽

I didn’t want to hear stage 4 or bone as by this stage I just couldn’t be arsed with this huge battle.

She was brilliant and wanted to get started next week .

Sooooo the moment of truth - the worst part for us all .

“Going by your scans it’s worse than we thought .”

It’s stage 4B (B is added because I had symptoms like night sweats etc)

It had spread to my spleen & my bones in a couple of areas .

It was in my lymph nodes at my chest , neck  & kidneys.

So above and below the solar plexus takes it up to stage 4 I’m sure as it’s spread pretty far now.

All my worst fears coming at once .

The world can go fuck itself.

Why me ?

What did I do to deserve this?

I have a huge life planned.

I have goals & dreams.

I didn’t deserve this shit.

I was angry, bitter , upset , stressed & scared all rolled into 1 .

What the fuck do I do now ?

I had followed the journey , on social media ,of a guy I knew a long time ago.

Not really keeping in touch , you know how it goes.

He fought hard and won but told you the good and bad so it was nice to see real life.

I reached out to him like everyone done so I had a little idea of what was coming.

He helped me massively in my fight even just a kick up the bum when you’re feeling sorry for yourself.

He has a fighter mentality with zero quit in him which I could relate to and really get myself up for this hell hole battle.

So thanks for your input it really inspired me on the tough days.

We all need help during this - trust me!

My chemotherapy date was 5th of December.

X6 blocks . Each block has 2 rounds.

That’s 12 rounds . I liked that theory better as in a 12 round fight.

I was never good enough in the pro game to get a 12 round championship fight so the universe plays a sick joke on me.

Cheers!😘

You need to laugh or you will cry.

Well you will do both and often so be prepared and just go with the flow like a fucking Ninja.

I love the Bruce Lee quote “Be shapeless, formless, Like water .

If you put water into a cup it becomes the cup.

If you put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle. If you put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot.

Now water can flow or it can crash.

Be water my friend “

My Chemotherapy drugs were called ABDV .

That’s a group of 4 different drugs.

Plus steroids to help it flush your system.

Plus anti sickness drugs , pain killers etc.

You leave every session with a full bag of drugs it’s crazy.

Jump to the 5th of December, I’m trying not to side track from the treatment but my brain likes to go off on 1 so bare with me .🤣🤦🏻

December the 5th , guess what - I went alone , I got a lift there and back just incase I couldn’t drive so asked Laura.

Of course she was there and willing to be by my side all the time but I was shutting people out of my life. I could ask at least 10 people and they would have my back no matter what but I am a fucking muppet and do things on my own so I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings or try to hold my shit together if they get upset in front of me STILL.

Right back to it - The day before every chemo session you have to go to your Gp and have bloods taken to make sure your white blood count is high enough/ your immune system is strong enough to have chemo .

I can’t remember if I went first time so just getting this in here before I forget.

Plus I’m scared of needles 😳

I will fight any man on the planet or multiple at once as I don’t mind a tear up and what’s a beating 🤣.

Had a few second prizes growing up but it’s not sore .

Show me a needle and I tense up and start sweating.

Heart is racing and I’d rather get outta there .

Fight or flight response in people is so messed up right. 😬

I walk into the ward at Kirkcaldy.

My first reaction was shit this is open plan .

I wanted to hide away from the world and stay strong.

This puts you out there with nowhere to go.

A small hall with about 20 seats around the outside facing into the centre of a room.

Sort of like the sun loungers around the pool here on holiday.

Keep that nice thought in your head .😘

I get to a chair and sit back .

Looking straight across to an older lady with no hair.

That place is horrible. Bad vibes but you need to deal with it.

Every session I knew multiple people going through treatment which was heartbreaking.

Unfortunately most of them never won the battle and that still plays a part in your head too.

First thing they give you is steroids in tablet form .

Then your cannula goes in the back of your hand . Owch it’s pretty sore but the nurses are brilliant and always full of banter and trying to lift your spirits.

I was a moody bastard but that’s a protective instinct 🤷🏻‍♂️🤣 right ? 🤫

Chemo gets hooked up on a trolley and fed into the cannula on your hand.

Incase you need to walk to the toilet.

That’s correct- hooked up in front of everyone you need to walk for a pee multiple times.

Guess what ?

Your pee is now the same colour as your current chemo bag. Mine was pink 😎

I sat in that chair for at least 5 hours in my first chemo session.

It wasn’t a nice experience but I didn’t feel that bad.

A tiny hangover effect so far.

Laura picked me up and I went home to bed at her house(I had my own house too)

The next few days I was a little sick and not fussy for eating at all .

I was waiting on the illness but it wasn’t too bad . The arm pain after chemo though was horrible.

It was like my veins were drying out and causing a painful ache.

Sort of like toothache in your full arm.

From the wrist joint all the way up into your arm pit.🤮

The best cure for this part is to ask the nurses to give you a saline solution flush after every single bag of chemo.

So not once after your full day's sitting.

I had 4 different types of chemo so I had 4 flushes on the day.

This helped massively with that pain.

Please ask the nurses . They are amazing and will be happy to help you.

I was back in the gym coaching within a week.

I had recently rented my own place for the boxing club but this still needed a full renovation so this would be my goal during chemo to stay focused on something positive.

My friends had also done some research in cannabis oils. Rick Simpson method.

I tried the oil first time but my body was so weak I ended up getting a massive stone off the THC and hallucinations for 5 days. I went back to A&E with my Brother and his Mrs.

Because I thought I was reacting to the chemo.

Danielle was driving like Colin McRae .

“Ffs Slowwww dowwwwn “ I was shouting in the back .

We were cruising at 60mph 🤦🏻🤪🤣.

In the ward the nurses were told the truth.

I had zero to hide .

My brother was winding me up as we do.

Oh look what’s that , what if this happens.

“Shut the fuck up Billy”

The nurse comes into the room - Hello Gordon , can you say the months of the year backwards for me ?

I looked at Billy and we just burst out laughing .😂

(I’m laughing now thinking back.)

I can’t say them normally but never missed a beat and rattled them out. YASSSSS

So cutting this story short I was absolutely stoned out my brains. 🤪

You get the first 4 chemo sessions before  you get another scan.

Each session was getting worse and worse.

I would walk to the toilet for a pink pee then lie down on the cold floor trying to keep my temperature down , sometimes in tears and confused.

I didn’t know if I was going to be sick or have the shits . Maybe both together again.

It’s sort of a hangover mixed with the flu then sickness and zero energy all rolled into one.

At the same time as all this you’re really confused and have a fuzzy brain .

I don’t want to spend to much time on the treatment itself as it was the same week in , week out but the effects on my body were worse each time.

4 sessions completed and sent for scans -

I knew I was cancer free . I could feel the recovery inside and all my symptoms were gone (along with my wee bit hair & eyebrow’s 🤣🤦🏻)

So another pet scan same as before .

I quit the chemo at this point too.

Doing my research I felt like this is all I needed to recover.

Unfortunately my Doctor wasn’t agreeing and not letting me quit so easily.

“Think of your Daughter “

It’s not that I wanted to quit & die.

I didn’t want to poison my body any more than needed and risk secondary cancer later in life but that’s my issue for another day now.

I got sent to Maggie’s Centre Fife to speak to a psychologist.

They understood my concerns and told me the choice was mine.

I went back to treatment only because I had others to think about.

It was just too big a risk to try and win this battle with alternative medicine.

Back to chemo was shite , I won’t lie to you.

My results from the pet scan were no cancer in my body but I already knew that.

Not in a smug way. In a more I feel healthy again way.

But they have a procedure to follow that I’m confident will be changed in the future.

Watch out for that .

8 sessions (4 blocks remember)

in and my blood count was to low for treatment.

They decided to go ahead anyway.

I was violently sick for over a week.

In bed the full time and quit chemo for the SECOND time.🤦🏻🤷🏻‍♂️

My family were rallying me to finish.

Only 2 more blocks you can do this !

Aye but that’s 4 more hospital visits.

My hands were killing me with they stupid needles .

A few weeks off this time and I decided to just get it completed.

What’s 4 more right!

4 more was hell.

Chemo had no cancer to destroy so was destroying all my good cells , my spirit, my happiness and my motivation.

I finally managed to get the 12 round’s completed.💪🏽

& build a fantastic wee Boxing gym in the process while taking a few shifts on the roofs as and when required as there was zero financial help out there for me.

(There might be another story in that someday)

A club I used to train with in Rosyth walked a few munros and raised money for me.

Very humbling experience as I’m a proud man and would ask for nothing from anyone.

I will never forget this kind gesture and these guys are still in my life Today.

Be prepared for the fight of your fucking life that will scar you FOREVER.

I regularly get therapy to talk about how parts of my life are on hold or held back because of fears.

Smells like rubber trigger me too.

My worst fear is getting this shit again and having to fight it.

I will fight with everything I have if we get to that stage again .

Sorry but you must be ready for this.

It’s nae walk it the park 🤦🏻😅🫣

My story continues.

I took cannabis oil the full time (thanks to my good friends funding this and cooking it for me. They gifted me 40ml at the time which was about 5k back then) but I managed to dilute it with coconut oil and make edibles & suppositories.

A very mild dosage while still often over doing it and becoming wasted for days at a time.

All part of my story and experience now while helping others.

I had a wee scare a couple of months back before I started writing this and all they feeling's come flooding back .

I just went private straight away. Zero time for fucking about .

I got  a full check up and all my bloods sent to the labs.

£750 later for a 30 minute appointment they think I have an under active thyroid but I’m still waiting on my own GP to monitor this. 🙄🤷🏻‍♂️

If you’re reading this and someone you know is going through chemo I’d say take oil orally and in suppository form straight away.

The recovery results I had from oil or not taking oil gave me all the information I needed.

I know for a fact that this was rapidly improving my recovery rate.

If I took the cannabis oil after chemo I was usually in the gym coaching & holding pads by day FOUR!

If I never took oil I was bed bound for 10 days and really had zero motivation to try and get up.

Remember I had 12 rounds to experiment .

My trial and error will save you ill health .

1ml of oil into 200ml of coconut oil in a bowl and let it float in a sink of boiling water until it melts .(obviously water doesn’t get in the bowl)

Mix it and make your batches.

1/4 of a tea spoon is 1 dose to get you started and you probably won’t feel any effects.

This is very mild so you can increase the amount you take fairly easily.

While fighting cancer stay off sugars , stay off dairy ,avoid red meats and avoid processed foods.

Eat the best you can or grow your own.

Keep your family and friends around you. They want to help but feel awkward in the situation. Just include them and don't push them all away like I did.

Stay positive mentally or seek help professionally to get you over the line.

It’s a hell of a journey but if you’re strong you will win the fight and live your life some more.

It’s not our time you beautiful people.

Fight to live another day💪🏽

Until the next challenge I’m trying to be the best person I can be and constantly giving back to our community.

Often forgetting to have a life and enjoy the NOW.

Go enjoy your NOW.

If you need advice or have any questions please feel free to reach out to me on any social media platform.

(If I remember things that will help you I will keep editing and adding them in for you )

Thanks for taking the time to read my journey.

Gordon ❤️