What’s your thoughts on Grief ?
Grief is the emotional pain and sadness you feel when you lose someone or something important to you. It's a natural reaction to loss, and it can affect your feelings, thoughts, and even your body. People experience grief in different ways and it can last for varying lengths of time, but it's a process that helps you heal and adjust to the change.
I honestly don’t think I’ve ever felt it properly until this year losing my best friend in the world.
We were together since babies and more like brothers.
The bond we had was incredible.
Ive lost my gran , grandad , Nana & Di plus a lot of good friends in the past but I have a fantastic coping mechanism that I can shove all my feelings into a little box and soldier on as normal without to much affecting my moods.
Until this ……
It was a year long battle with cancer that we all expected him to beat as it was stage 1.
5 weeks of radiation & chemo took its toll .
Swelling was thought to be normal and no cancer detected- Then he got diagnosed as wide spread cancer within a couple of weeks and he was given just weeks to live.
How much of a head fuck that was for him must have been insane.
It was hard enough for us to deal with.
He always just said he was fine , right up until his last night. He was still fine !
Stubborn, tough , lovable BASTARD!
For his final Weeks we all tried to rally around him and share our love with him.
His wife was incredible through all of this.
I hope he knew how big a part he was in all our lives .
I put him to bed with his wife on the Friday 14th of June .
I slagged him off as usual and gave him a kiss goodbye.
His Wife phoned at 8.30am on the Saturday 15th to say he had passed away .
I had just left Asda with treats for our mental health classes and had a few classes to coach at the boxing gym so I managed to keep my emotions together.
Later that day telling all our friends and talking to people I just burst into tears and had a wee cuddle with my partner in the house away from the world.
On the build up to the funeral I managed to hold everything in again putting it in that famous wee box I had mastered over the years .
I wrote a little eulogy for him because his wife asked me if I could.
I’d do anything for him regardless and he would do it for me without any hesitation whatsoever.
I had just wrote his best man speech in August for his wedding so to be doing this so soon after was heartbreaking .💔
I could hardly get started and I was in floods of tears.
I knew from the start I couldn’t read it out loud myself so asked that it be read out by the celebrant .
On the day we drove bikes as he loved a super bike.
I was proud to lead him to his final resting place and lower him into the ground with our friends.
It was tough but I never looked around much trying not to get too upset.
I will share the eulogy here with you -
Absolutely gutted to be writing another story so soon after scones wedding.
I had a sneaky suspicion that the big man would try get me up to talk & embarrass me this last time but I truly can’t get through writing this without the tears so I’ve asked Gwen to do the honours for me.
Unfortunately today we are all here to say our goodbyes and show our love to Scone.
What started as a little tumour in his tongue progressed and finally became terminal in less than a year .
The diagnosis was a shock to us all and the last few weeks we were given just wasn’t enough time with him.
it’s never enough time with any of our loved ones though is it ?
Life isn’t fair, it’s extremely unfair, unpredictable and just doesn’t make sense at times .
Which is why we should love as fiercely as he did , apologise for nothing and take that chance whenever or wherever it presents itself.
To his wife Ashleigh and his 5 kids
Jordan , Payton , Skye , Sinead & Ethan he loved yous all with everything he had, even if he felt awkward at times in showing his emotions!
Believe me he was so proud of you all and lit up when he spoke of each of you.
A very proud Husband & Father .
So where do I start with our Scone ???
Firstly if you were lucky enough to be let into his life to see the 2 parts of him and be loved and appreciated by him then you can understand a tiny piece of how we are feeling Today .
If you knew Scone like most people you would see a big character, loud , funny , annoying and always hogging the Mic on karaoke nights .
The Life and soul of the party trying his best to light up our world and embarrass us along the way .
If he knew he could get to me oh he would push and push for my reaction then go in a huff when I exploded.
He loved a wind up .
He loved a bevy and a sing song .
He liked to be centre of attention and make you laugh but didn’t like getting some stick back.
I will sneak a short story in here for Ashleigh-
My Dad, Scone and I went on holiday to Barcelona.
Must be 20 years ago now .
Back then he loved the karaoke just as much but his singing was horrendous!
1 night at the hotel it was karaoke.
He told me he was going up - I was mortified.
I begged him not to and told him his singing was brutal.
He told me to bolt in the nicest way possible and volunteered to sing .
Words by Boyzone .
Hand on his heart giving it laldy .
Terrible as always,
So I bought his cd from the hotel and played it for a few days full blast in the room.
He was swearing at me and saying “no danger was that me “.
I did try to warn you scone .
I eventually gifted him the CD so he snapped it up and put it in the bin.
He stopped singing for while and must of been practicing his wee heart out until he just couldn’t resist the temptation to get up and sing.
Luckily in the more recent years my wee Brother Billy carried him during their duets so it was a wee bit better .
That was our Scone .
If you met the real John you would be shocked to know he was a lost soul so full of love and respect .
Giving us all numerous chances and accepting us just the way we were because we were family so it doesn’t matter what we done wrong , he accepted it and moved on because he loved you anyway , that was his way!
Some of us can do no wrong in his eyes .
He can overlook everything when you are 1 of his people.
He was awkwardly shy about his massive heart which was 1 of his best qualities.
Often showing his affection by cooking you food.
Fish cakes , curry or cheesecake were my favourites.
He would text me stuff on how he was feeling about certain things because it’s hard for us to talk face to face or I say it how it is and hurt his feelings.
He was a Big softy!
We were sometimes awkward at words unless half canned then we would go extreme and talk till the early hours putting the world to rights.
The connection we had went so much deeper than words.
I knew how he felt or what he needed as soon as I was in his company, he obviously knew me the same and knew to back off or be present.
To make me fish cakes , go fishing , camping , out on the bikes or for a bottle of the finest .
Whatever we needed we could solve it together.
We just got each other .
He was the closest person to me in this life for the last 40 years and I’m sure he will be up there saving a space for us when our time comes to join him.
I’d like to thank Ashleigh and her family for accepting our scone exactly as he was.
If I’m honest I never thought Davey would be approving of Scone but how wrong was I….
Davey treated him like a son and I was very privileged to be invited along to a few events he had arranged personally for Scone.
I know how much he appreciated your kind gesture Davey .
And I thank you for always reaching out to me to be part of that too.
You all showed him love & support and gave him a fantastic family unit .
I know he truly loved every single one of you and felt a massive part of your family.
He was in the best place mentally and the happiest I can remember.
Ashleigh you have been an absolute superstar these past few months and the support you showed to him was amazing.
The little help we gave you was hard for us and upsetting but you just took it in your stride to watch after your husband in sickness and in health.
Our boy would be so proud of you !
We are all so very proud and grateful of you for helping him be his happiest and show him Unconditional love and support.
It says do not be afraid in the Bible 365 times .
1 for each day of the year.
So do not be afraid in death my Brother .
Go investigate all the new things you can do and places you can go .
Cause havoc, steal the mic , find the best camping spots for us , go fast and look over us all.
We all love you so very much and will miss you every single day.
I can’t imagine not talking to you most days like we usually do.
A massive hole will be left in my life .
Grief is the price we pay for love.
Is this grief worth it ?
Yes it is !
His love was unconditional to us all and I would do it all again in a heartbeat to have him by our side Today .
Thankyou for your lifetime of friendship and showing us the real John at times but Sconedom you were riot and cheered us all up with your nonsense.
Truly 1 of a kind.
Rest easy Brother until we meet again….
So no wonder I couldn’t read it out loud ah .🤣🤦🏻💔
The wake then party afterwards was pretty easy and we all relaxed a little to celebrate our Scone.
So that wee box again comes in very handy but at what cost ???
Usually I allow ZERO to get out that box and deal with it in my own time during EFT sessions.
Since that day the emotions coming up have really caught me off guard.
Grief is a wonderfully weird feeling isn’t it ???
I seen a video of Jay Shetty the other day explaining Grief.
“He was told that grief is like a stone .
You pick it up and put it in your pocket .
It’s heavy , it never gets lighter or easier to carry around but we get stronger to cope with the added weight.
We don’t have to deal with it or get over it as people always say but we get stronger to cope with the added baggage.”
That makes so much sense in my head right now .
I will continue to improve my strength to deal with the heavy feelings I have with my friend being ripped out our lives so suddenly.
I will remember him fondly or sometimes be stopped in my tracks and in tears but I truly believe if he can watch over me he will be there to cause havoc and laugh and me on the days I’m most upset .
To share joy in the moments that remind me of him are a fair bit away but 1 day I know I will look back with a smile.
Pain masks the joy right now but that’s perfectly normal and okay too.
Sitting with the grief, talking about it , writing about it and working on me is needed .
Blogging really has helped me the last couple of years.
On those days poem -
On those days
when you miss someone the most
as though your memories are sharp enough
to slice through skin and bone remember how they loved you.
Remember how they loved you and do that for yourself.
In their name in their honour.
Love yourself as they loved you.
They would like that.
On those days
when you miss someone the most
Love yourself Harder .
I can be going about my work or whatever then a song comes on the radio and I’m teleported straight to an event with him .
A simple funny video plays on social media and you want to send it to him but remember….
You see a biker, a dog , a new drink or whatever silly little thing I’d send him and again it hits home even harder than the day of the news it was terminal , the phone call of him passing over or the day of the funeral.
Any other event in my whole life doesn’t really prepare you for the small stuff that just rip your heart out on the spot and bring you to tears .
I’ve had a pretty eventful life too so that’s some statement coming from me.
An ex pro fighter with over 100 fights from amateur to professional level and stage 4B blood cancer survivor then a song or memory brings you to tears and stops you right in your tracks .
Life & Death is truly devastating at times.
They say time is a healer but I don’t think I will ever get over the presence of my big pal Scone .
"You Don’t Just Lose Someone Once"
You lose them over and over, sometimes many times a day.
When the loss, momentarily forgotten,
creeps up, and attacks you from behind.
Fresh waves of grief as the realization hits home, they are gone.
Again.
You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every time you open your eyes to a new dawn,
and as you awaken,
so does your memory,
so does the jolting bolt of lightning that rips into your heart,
they are gone.
Again.
Losing someone is a journey, not a one-off.
There is no end to the loss, there is only a learned skill on how to stay afloat, when it washes over.
Be kind to those who are sailing this stormy sea, they have a journey ahead of them,
and a daily shock to the system each time they realize, they are gone,
Again.
You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every day, for a lifetime.
~Donna Ashworth~
Incase you didn’t notice I like a wee poem or quote.
So this is my take of grief so far but it’s early days so might add more to this as I understand my feelings going forwards
Thanks for reading another story out my brain to help me calm myself down
Gordon
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